Have you ever wished that you had crazy super powers and could shrink yourself into something so small that nobody could see you or talk to you or do anything to you? That has been my day today. Today was the first time I have felt like I was working for Sam's again and was feeling that same icky feeling and feeling of dread and despair in the pit of my stomach. I absolutely hated my job for the first time in months. It made me question if I was good enough for my promotion. It made me question if I would have the right answers, if I would be a good boss. It was an absolute nightmare. One of the ladies at my work actually told me she was afraid I might have a stroke today because I was so stressed, frustrated and angry. And then I think of how I have 2 days more until I have a blessed day off...and then I get frustrated all over again.
My car blew up the other day, literally...my thermostat blew up and my engine was freaking out and there was smoke and the smell of burning metal that only a car can have, you know? So now I am almost a hundred bucks down with a smoking car that smells like burning antifreeze. Yay. To complete it all, the check engine light is on, again. I love my car, I do, but somedays, I kinda wish it would blow up for real.
Bonfired with the friends tonight. It was nice to see them, especially Tony. I haven't seen him since I got married over a year and a half ago. I remember the bonfires we used to have years ago. They were fun and very relaxed. I didn't care if I had to work the next morning early or if I had early church. I'd still stay up til two or three in the morning. Ah, somedays I wish I could still stay up til then. :)
I've been in and out of dr's offices for the past three or four weeks trying to figure out what's wrong with me. So far it's nothing too serious, but then again, who knows. The baby thing still bothers me as its hard to feel like I'm a reject and not have people understand. Everybody always says give it time, it will happen. Which is fine, and I'm sure it will (I hope) but I get tired of hearing it. Then I get all the people who tellme I don't want to have a kid right now, wait til you're older. Thats fine for them too, but I truly feel in my heart that this is the right time to start my family. I've prayed, I've been to the temple about and it feels right...and has for the past year and a half. Time enough to have two babies and I still haven't even got pregnant. I don't like to really talk about it anymore...most people don't understand how I feel, don't want to understand how I feel. Almost everyone I know has gotten pregnant when they want to be. Its like wanting something so bad and you can't afford it ever...perhaps it is my trial in life, learning how to have patience too. perhaps I will close this book for now. Its a heated subject I'd rather not get into.
Sigh. There's a lot more that I want to say, but for the sake of the people who read my blog and for other reasons, I shall write in my private blog and blow off the steam there. I just wrote how I feel today. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be excellent and I'll be gushing about having a great day. Until then, I'm not complaining, trying to get you to pity me, or even trying to make you feel bad...I'm just telling the truth about how i feel without sugarcoating it. Needed to clear my brain to make room for my day tomorrow.
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